blank

He showed up again. He called to say it’s a shame to be working when the sun I shining, the birds are signing and… ok, you get the picture. I agreed. So I did a coffee break and went out to meet him. First, however, I made him promise me a name wouldn’t come up. He promised. And he kept his promise. We talked about football, music, food, favorite vodka brands, birthday presents, the Radio 4 gig tomorrow, our parents, our jobs, movies you know… indifferent but entertaining stuff. Coffee talk. Helps you enjoy the good weather even more. And I don’t even drink coffee!!!
But I knew what he was really thinking underneath it all. So, as we walked back in my office he mentioned something about computers and then…

“You try to spot something on the internet, you type down you addresses, click on links, browse on search engines, do your best, ask for help, log into google and then your server breaks down or something and you see a white page. A page that you cannot write anything on. It’s, as it says on the upper left line… page: blank. But not a blank to be filled. Blank period. A useless blank. It’s just there. It’s the last thing you need but the only thing you get.
Well… that’s me. BLANK”

I looked into his eyes. Fucking hell! He was right. He was blank. The most joyous and energetic man I know lost his sparkle… I am sure it’s there somewhere but he is actually blank.
I didn’t know what to say. I said goodbye. He just smiled. I am still shocked. What if this ever happens to me? How does it feel to be blank? How does it feel not to feel? And what could you possibly do about it, when all your best friend can think of is just an equally… “blank” goodbye?

But, I mean, what I was supposed to do? I was stunned. There he was, my best friend, a guy I know for ages and with whom I’ve been around almost everywhere… totally blank. And I don’t know what exactly was wrong with that picture… But I couldn’t add anything to it. No colors, no sketches, no dots, no spots, nothing…
I hope he will find his palette sometime soon, although I can’t help thinking that he has given it away to someone really special. And I know this friend of mine pretty well. He’s not going to claim it back. And sad though I may be to admit it, by [not] doing so, he’s just true to himself, to his feelings, to her. So, maybe he is a hero after all…