it's just...
Sometimes I feel I was born not to lose, as Ray Charles would say, but not to do a single damned thing. I am so bored… I feel so tired. I just want to shut down this computer, get my coat, leave all the doors unlocked and just go out. I know I am supposed to have a certain plan, I know that although I am already thirty sth I still got the right to dream a better future, I know I am the only one responsible for my choices, I know I’m lucky and privileged enough to get the chances to prove my value so far… but there is a big BUT(t).
But… what’s the point? I am not getting any younger, I am not getting any richer and, if I am getting any wiser… what’s the big deal?
I don’t know if I am doing sth wrong or if I am just lazy or if I deserve nothing more than I already have. I don’t know if it’s fair to be such a sorehead, querulous person [I looked it up], when life was always within frame for me, but… why do I have the feeling that I am just wasting my time so that someone else, or even worse, something else, manages to achieve his/her/its goals?
I am not saying I am destined to write history in this world, but… is it too much to ask for sth better than that? What’s "that"? It’s a job I don’t think I want or even can do, a salary that only lasts for half a month and a life that’s so below everyone’s expectations, mine included…
Yes, thank God, there are highs, there are surprises and, most important of all, I am healthy as fuck so… no complaints there…
It’s just that I need to take a long break. But the break doesn’t seem to need me…
A giant kit-kat anyone?
posted by Hector Drone at 10:00 AM
3 Comments:
See what happens when you look up bookish words in the dictionary? You make the other words jealous. So the insignificant article A squeezes itself close to your bookish QUERULOUS and what have you got? AQUERULOUS – as in a querulous Aqua-rius…sorry…silly humor. It’s too early for me. Just woke up…yeah, yeah. Don’t get jealous. Sometimes people sleep because they want to avoid reality, so…No, but to the point. QUERULOUS as you may be, well, you have the right to be, for I’ll agree with your friend that, well, it’s easy to feel worthless when others don’t acknowledge your work or effort. I mean, even if you are the most self confident person, constantly able to pump yourself up and go to work, you always need even the tiniest reminder that you make a difference, otherwise you will start to deflate. It’s not that much of an ego boost, as far as I am concerned, but more of an existential contribution acknowledgement thing…or something like that. Of course it’s even more difficult to pump yourself up to go to work when you work for something you don’t believe in. That’s hard and I understand the frustration. And that’s where the perennial existential question comes in…what am I here for? (If not to fulfill my own personal vision? And what is my vision? And why should I be fulfilling another’s vision if only to (ful)fill my stomach?)
I tired myself already…a little later maybe.
1:59 AM
it is time
for you to stop
all of your sobbing....
λέμε τώρα...
άσε μας βρε έκτωρα,
όπως θα μου λεγες και συ: take some action
ή θα μου λεγες κάτι άλλο...
if u don't like it, fix it
4:23 AM
να μια σωστή σκέψη...
5:22 AM
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